One Startling Trip to America
There’s only one word to describe my recent vacation to the U.S.: Oh . . . my . . . God. Ohmygod.
I went back for two weeks, or as we say in Japan, a fortnight. That’s a long time when every waking moment is filled with The Horror. By which I mean that between jet lag and culture shock, I feel lucky to have made it back to Japan at all. When I finally stepped off the plane at Narita I teared up so much that I just hugged the first flight attendant I saw. She happened to be from Korean Air, but I figured, eh, close enough. They’re very soft too, those Koreans.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like the U.S. It’s just that it’s so . . . how to put this . . . American. You know what I mean? For one thing, there’s a lot of gaijin everywhere, and everybody’s huge and they all speak English. Very unsettling. And suddenly, the whole nation has tattoos. Since when did everyone start looking like carnies on break from running the Tilt-a-Whirl? I felt like the only Japanese guy in the whole airport. Which is weird, since I’m about as white as Vanilla Ice. Anyway, since I had half an hour until my connection, I stopped off at the Sky Lounge for a calming tonic. I ordered a nice, familiar Asahi beer, and instantly things got a bit better. Funny though, it tasted a bit off, so I figured I’d better have another one just to make sure. Four beers later, I finally read the fine print on the bottle: Brewed in Canada. Well, there you go. Thus ensued a spiral of reverse culture shock.
#1 Americans Smell Funny
Now, I don’t mean sweaty, which would be one thing, but more like a fruit cocktail. Every shampoo and soap and hair spray has some scent. There’s a variety of odors even for deodorants. Riding the shuttle bus at the airport was like hanging out with the Fruit of the Loom guys. At least in Japan, everybody just smells like grilled fish. Man, I get hungry just thinking about all those delicious people on the train.
#2 Gum, Gum Everywhere
I stepped out of the airport, and boom—like did you ever notice how much old gum there is on the sidewalk? It’s a sea of black polka-dots. Who even chews that much gum? And why spit it out on the sidewalk? Makes no sense. When I showed people my pictures of Japan they were like, Wow, it’s so clean. Why isn’t there any litter? Now there’s a strange question. Like why would there be litter? You mean people actually throw trash on the ground? That’s nuts. Folks in Japan understand common courtesy. The proper thing to do is to wait until no one’s looking and then stuff it into someone else’s bicycle basket. That’s just civic responsibility.
#3 The American Restaurant Experience
Now, you probably don’t know this, but I eat out every meal. I mean, if you looked in my tiny Japanese fridge, you’d be like, Yo, where’s all the food? I don’t even use the little lightbulb anymore since there’s nothing to see. Saves on electricity. It’s not that I don’t enjoy cooking, but hey, all that slicing and dicing, jeez. What a lot of work. Me wash potatoes? Please. I calculated that in my life I’ve eaten at 25,962 restaurants. Although I’m not real good with math, so maybe I forgot to carry a 1 or something, but anyway, a freaking lot of restaurants, is what I’m saying.
The thing about restaurants in the U.S. is that they look fabulous, but the food’s straight out of Doctor Seuss. I went to this Pan Asian place first. The walls were cast in oblique lighting with bamboo plants in every corner and tables set with cloth napkins and extra forks and knives just in case you dropped one or two. By the way, where the hell is Pan Asia anyway? Judging from the cooks, I’m guessing somewhere near Mexico. Anyway it took about fifteen minutes to get my first beer. That’s about fourteen and a half minutes longer than I’m accustomed to. In Japan, you just shout “nama!” and Sha-Zam, beer appears. It’s freaking magical.
But apparently in Pan Asia, unlike real Asia, a beer takes forever and the food comes all at once. I’d forgotten that Americans don’t order little by little and share. You just get one giant plate of stuff and chow down until your stomach’s the size of a Thanksgiving turkey. Maybe that’s more efficient, I don’t know. I got some scallop and arugula dish. According to the menu, it was “pan-crusted and seared, in an uni cream reduction with a red pepper emulsion and drizzled with raspberry coulis.” I was like, Can’t I just get some food? Oh, right. I’ll shut up now and eat my emulsion.
The thing is, I eat scallops on a weekly basis in Japan. Some people go to church; I eat scallops. When the rapture comes, don’t go crying to me because you didn’t eat enough bivalve mollusks, is all I’m saying. But where was I? Oh yeah. What those big white fatty things floating in the uni reduction were, I have no idea. But those were not freaking scallops. The whole dish was uber-rich and mega-oily and super-sweet, and now I’m out of adjectives but anyway there sure was a whole lot of it. That set the tone for my entire visit. And now I’m fat. Your fault, America, not mine. Not mine.
Then the bill came and it was about fifty dollars a person, on top of which we had to leave a tip. It’s no wonder Americans don’t do much karaoke. They’ve got no money left after dinner. America is berry, berry expensive country.
#4 The American Restroom Experience
And then I went to the men’s room. Hey, half a dozen Sky Lounge cocktails and a few more in Pan Asia and I was ready to explode. Anyway, I don’t know if you know this, but Americans can’t construct a toilet stall that comes all the way to the ground. Like you can actually see people’s legs while they’re doing Number 2. Jeezus, who wants to watch that? It’s gross. In Japan, you may not always get a commode, but what you get is almost always clean and plus you have your own private little room. In the U.S., if you really gotta take a poo—seriously, my advice is just go out to the park and find a tall bush. Trust me on this. Take some toilet paper or use a rabbit or something. They’re gentle and fluffy anyway. I mean, Americans have the potty cleanliness of infants. Like, they say it’s the greatest country on earth, but if your citizens can’t lift the lid before making pee pee, you may want to reconsider your standard of measurement.
#5 What’s up with These People?
And then walking from the restaurant, I met a couple of nice ladies. They were dressed well and said they were from out of town, and I was like, Oh me too. The one lady had this Gucci-looking purse and said she only needed a dollar in order to get somewhere. There was something wrong with her car that I was unable fathom and for some reason she couldn’t just go to the ATM. I was like, Uh, sorry, I have to cross the street now. And then that nice lady called me all sorts of horrible names. Like we were in high school or something. I was like, Well at least I don’t have some godawful butterfly tattooed on my thigh. Bitch. Only I didn’t actually say that because I’m too polite. Plus there’s a lot of guns in the U.S. You never know when some fruit salad-smelling broad’s packing heat and gonna blast your ass. Ken Seeroi takes no chances on vacation.
But it’s All Good
Okay, well, maybe not all. So no country’s perfect. It helps to have perspective. Although a few things gave me The Fear, I also found a lot of good. Like America has a ton of nature. It’s got trees and grass and space. There’s actually room, and people hang out in parks and skateboard and play catch instead of spending all day shopping for seasonally-appropriate chopsticks that match their place mats. Best of all, Americans talk. They talk a lot, to each other, to strangers, to everyone. Man, it’s gotta be easy to learn English with everyone being so chatty. And in many ways, they’re more polite than the Japanese. It’s like the opposite of the restaurants. Japanese people look fabulously polite, but a lot is just outward appearance. If the U.S. doesn’t seem especially well-mannered, at least most people are polite enough not to swoon over foreigners who can use their cutlery, eat their food, and speak their language. Americans may be rough around the edges, but way down deep inside of those marshmallow exteriors, there’s a lot of genuinely nice people. I’d definitely go back. Say in about a year.
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Oddly, living in Canada, I’ve never seen Asahi that was brewed here… it’s usually imported from Japan. Same with Sapporo, which is really odd seeing how I live 20 mins from their North American brewery O_o
Strawberry Vibe
August 21, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Really? That’s weird. All of the Asahi and Sapporo that I saw in the States was made in Canada. When I asked at the Japanese Market, I was told that Orion is the only beer actually imported from Japan. Can you double-check the label and report back? Not that it’s a huge deal, but the taste is a little different.
Ken Seeroi
August 22, 2012 at 6:03 am
Hey, sorry for the late reply but yes, I can confirm this…at least for the cans that look like this: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3275/2706205461_7f90e0bfd4.jpg It appears to be made for export, but it does say it’s from Japan. The bottles are from the brewery 20 mins away though.. As for Asahi, I haven’t had a chance to check yet
Strawberry Vibe
August 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Hmmm, interesting. Actually, since your last comment, I’d done a bit of looking around the net, and came up with this photo http://backoftheferry.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/sapporo-premium-beer-2.jpg , which shows a label stuck on the can saying that it’s a “Product of Canada.” So that’s kind of crazy. Who sticks a paper label on a can? Not that it really matters. I mean, if it’s cold and tastes good, I guess that’s all that counts. Still, it is a bit fushigi.
Ken Seeroi
August 30, 2012 at 9:38 am
That’s bizarre! Though actually, the can in that photo is slightly different than the one I was describing – you can see “…ted” on the front in red (I assume it says “Imported”?), whereas the ones I see around here say “Premium Beer”… Next time I go for some Sapporo, I’ll be sure to take a photo of my own so we can know once and for all if it’s from Japan or not
Strawberry Vibe
August 30, 2012 at 10:20 pm
Slightly different cans, carelessly affixed paper labels . . . the mystery deepens. Have we encountered a counterfeit beer ring? And if so, I want in.
Ken Seeroi
August 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm
A classic case of missing Japan. I’d always look forward to my trips home to Australia, but as soon as I hit those shores it was always when are we back in Japan as I miss it already
Japan Australia
August 22, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Agreed. It’s nice to leave, but better to come back.
Ken Seeroi
August 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Yeah, someone once asked me about Americans’ strengths and weaknesses, and I commented that after having lived abroad for a while (mostly in Korea) I can confirm that Americans are very friendly and very fat.
Speaking of Korea, I’m heading back in a few days. I look forward to the squishyness.
Mattholomew III, Esquire
August 24, 2012 at 7:00 am
What took me a page to describe America, you summed up in one sentence. Have a great trip. I really gotta make it over to Korea one of these weekends.
Ken Seeroi
August 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Apparently chewing gum has stuff like, rubber, latex, or wax in it which is probably why it doesn’t biodegrade very quickly. Imagine if you glued a condom to the sidewalk. It’d probably stay their forever if the glue was strong enough!
Gum Man
August 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm
Okay, yeah I get why the gum lasts a long time. What I don’t get is why people spit it out on the ground. That’s not very cool.
Ken Seeroi
August 26, 2012 at 6:37 am
I still have nightmares about the breezeways at my middle school in Mill-Town, Washington. There was more gum visible than concrete out there– a veritable sea of desaturated dots of color, which killed my ankles as I carefully placed my feet around the gum. Probably a contributing factor as to why I never, ever chew gum. I try my best, but I can’t stop myself from scowling whenever somebody is kind enough to offer me a piece.
Anti Gum Man
August 31, 2012 at 10:05 am
Somehow I never really noticed the gum until I lived in Japan. I guess it was just part of American life for me. Of course, lots of people chew gum in Japan; they just tend to dispose of it a bit more responsibly. The same goes for cigarette butts, which I hate more than gum. There are some pretty startling statistics related to them (see http://www.cigarettelitter.org/ ). Although Japanese people do litter cigarette butts somewhat, it’s far from the pathological level visible in the U.S.
Ken Seeroi
August 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Well, I suppose we can be thankful that the breezeways weren’t littered with cigarette butts…
Anti Gum Man
September 1, 2012 at 12:10 am
See? Now you’re looking on the bright side . . .
It’s not about how horrible the world is; it’s about how much more horrible it could be.
More comforting words were never written.
Ken Seeroi
September 4, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I’ve never been to America in my life, so I can’t really say anything about that, but about Japan and culture shock when visiting back home (in my case it’s Germany).
I always thought that Japanese don’t use perfume or deodorants because that’s what people told me, but it’s not true. Maybe that how it used to be like, but now it’s definitely not true anymore. Whenever I have young women around me in the train they stink of perfume (they tend to use too much, too).
No litter on the streets in Japan???!!!
Well, if you mean compared to America, then I really don’t wanna see how dirty America is, but there IS a lot of garbage all around – not having garbage bins in parks and stuff, doesn’t really help, right?
I agree with what you said about Japanese politeness.
At first Japanese seem to be super polite, especially when you are a customer, but after living here for a long time, you’ll see what’s behind all that.
Just like in any other country there are super nice, polite and helpful people, but also those who have no common sense at all and are rude to no end.
zoomingjapan
August 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm
I’ve visited a fair number of countries, but the U.S. and Japan are the only ones I’ve ever lived in, so I’ll try to constrain my over-generalizations to those two. That being said, I think in terms of smelliness and cleanliness, there’s no comparison.
From my (formerly) American point of view, Japanese people are, on the whole, scent-free. Maybe one girl on a train car of a hundred is wearing perfume, and she stinks up the whole place, but that’s a low percentage. Of course, that percentage will increase with the hour of evening and one’s proximity to Roppongi, but still. Americans wear cologne to work! Probably fifty percent put some on every day. Plus, all of the toiletries and laundry detergents are heavily scented, so the population is de-facto perfumed. When I first got to Japan, a number of people commented on the hair conditioner I used. I had no idea anyone else could smell it.
I guess the German perspective is different, but compared to America, Japanese people indeed could be said not to use perfume or scented products.
As for litter, you’re right, you really don’t want to see how dirty America is. Given the size and population density of Japanese cities, the cleanliness is truly remarkable. Of course, if you’re hanging out in Shibuya and Shinjuku all the time, things may look a little different. That’s more on par with the U.S. Otherwise, it’s a given that a Japanese shop-keeper will sweep and hose down the area in front of his or her business every day. You won’t see that much in the U.S.
Ken Seeroi
August 27, 2012 at 11:22 am
That’s really interesting, I never realized Americans smell like that, probably because I have never left the country.
Ella
September 26, 2012 at 3:26 pm
Yeah, to me everybody smells like a mix of Polo cologne and Juicy Fruit gum. But on the plus side, Americans tend to have better breath. A routine diet of natto, kimchee, and grilled fish isn’t doing the Japanese any favors.
Ken Seeroi
September 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Just spent one week in LA (angry fat people in flip-flops) and two weeks in New York (angry fat people with fashion). good to be back
Tony
September 28, 2012 at 11:10 am
It’s crazy going to the U.S., right? It just seems so . . . what’s the word? Foreign? Not like good ol’ down home Japan.
Ken Seeroi
September 28, 2012 at 2:54 pm
The few times I’ve visited Japan, I felt weirded out by the way everyone was so serious and hardly ever smiling despite the cleanliness of most places I went to. This one time I was walking around myself sighseeing and this Japanese chick sensed I was an asian gaijin and just smiled at me wildly trying to get me to say something to her to which I just ignored because it’s weird. She should’ve been more normal and asked me if I was a tourist or lost and would’ve gotten a better response. Same thing happened in SF on market st. when I was 17 and a 20 something J. woman dressed in a greenish suit said “Haro” to which I also ignored not that I couldn’t have answered in Japanese as I was already learning it in high school because I didn’t know at that time she was trying to say “Hello”. Looking back I missed some good cultural opportunities. lol
davidkichi
November 3, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to get past that feeling of “Well, this is weird.” I also miss a number of good opportunities to meet people, simply because I get creeped out by their initial greeting. I’m trying to work on that though. I think I need a 12-step program, or at least a 7-step one.
Ken Seeroi
November 4, 2012 at 8:22 pm