What Do You Think of Japan?
I used to think there were three possible answers to any question: yes, no, and whatever’s not covered by yes and no. Like, when the waitress asks, Do you want another beer? That’s a yes. Isn’t it about time you thought about going home? That would be a No, not until I get that beer I’m waiting for. And, Would you at least please stop bothering the other customers? That would would be a Well, if that’s how you feel about it, then I’m leaving. Just as soon as I get that one more beer.
It’s interview season in Japan. The weather is getting warmer, the ume buds are starting to appear, and maybe you could even see a bird. Yeah, like maybe in a zoo. But anyway, about this time every year I pick my two-sizes-too-small Japanese suit up from the floor of my closet, polish the front of my shoes, and head out with my resume.
My Japanese Interview
I went to this interview last week. It’s for a job teaching English, so for some reason unbeknownst to anyone, the entire interview was in Japanese. I walked in and there was this chair in the middle of an enormous room, and a panel of six people sitting at a long, white table, all staring at me. I was like, Is this my chair? Why is it so far away from everyone? I sat in the chair.
Everything went pretty swimmingly. My version of speaking Japanese is to toss a bunch of nouns and verbs in semi-random order into a sentence and then stick a -desu on the end. And that’s what you get. It’s not pretty, but everyone smiled and nodded at the appropriate times, so I guess they followed it okay. Anyway it was better than this time I had an interview in the States and looked down to discover that the crotch of my old suit was riddled with moth-eaten holes. In the middle of the interview I realized I could literally see my own balls. True story. Anyway, at least that didn’t happen.
They asked a lot of stupid questions. Why did you want to become a teacher? Hmm, maybe because I got tired of eating cups of noodles and instant coffee. What’s the difference between teaching adults and children? Uh, they’re older? I don’t know. Whatever, I made up some stuff and it sounded okay. And then they asked The Question: “What do you think of Japan?” And they all leaned forward a little bit.
The 3 Ways a Question Can be Answered
I heard a little voice in my head. It said, “Easy question, Ken! Knock it out of the park and let’s get out of here and get a beer!”
I don’t know why God gave me the little voice, because I apparently never listen to it. Instead, I had a Moment of Clarity. Right there in the middle of the enormous room, I realized that there were not three possible answers, but rather three ways of answering any question.
Way 1: Lies. I love this because lies are super convenient. You just tell people what they want to hear. “Japan’s great. Everyone’s very respectful and thoughtful of others. People enjoy it when I speak Japanese and the language has helped me to make many friends.” Done and done. Now let’s go get that beer.
Way 2: Naivete. This is the answer I would have given a decade ago. “I love Japan—everyone’s so friendly. Everywhere I go, people say ‘hello’ to me and bow to me. They’re very polite. Such kind people you have here!” Again, brilliant answer. Expect an offer letter by the end of the week.
Way 3: Thanks for the rope. I’ll just be a minute while I wrap it around my neck. Any time I start to answer a question with “Well . . .”, I really should just stop, because I know I’m about to dash my body onto the rocks. In Japanese, this usually comes out as “Maa . . .”, possibly “Saa . . .” Either way, I’m screwed.
“Maa . . .”, I said, “every good thing has a corresponding bad side to it, right?” I paused and the six people nodded kind of slowly, transfixed. I kept going. “The things that I like about Japan are also the things I don’t like about it. Like, seriously, what would I say about the U.S.? That it’s great? U.S.A. Number One? Come on, that would be simplistic. There’s a ton of good and bad, all wrapped up together. Same thing here. These are big countries.” That’s what I said. Then I looked up to see if everyone was following me, and they were all pale as ghosts. Their mouths were hanging open and their pupils were the size of saucer plates. And the little voice said, For the love of God, Ken, stop.
But I was on a roll. For some reason my need for self-expression momentarily outweighed my aversion to sleeping in a box in the park. I continued, “For example, I love how clean the toilets are. But the seventy year-old woman who’s got to scrub the porcelain probably isn’t as thrilled by it. Like I wouldn’t want to be her. And I love Japanese sushi. But I wouldn’t want to be the dude who’s standing in place all day long slicing up raw fish. That would suck.” Somehow it didn’t sound as bad when I said it in Japanese, I thought.
I looked up again, and I was like, Oh . . . My . . . God. Everyone was terrified. I thought the one lady was going to cry. Like there was a tiny tear in the corner of her left eye. They all looked at each other, like, What should we do? And I was like, No, it’s cool. Really. I don’t mean I don’t like Japan, it’s just if someone tells you only good without the bad, they’re either waxing you on, or they haven’t thought about it much. And I gave some more examples of good and bad, but somehow the more I said, the worse everyone looked, which I found strange. So finally, I stopped.
And then the man in the middle took a deep breath and said “Maa . . . Thank you for your honesty. We’ll contact you within three weeks with the result. Thank you. Okay. Thank you, thank you.” And I was like, Oh. So I stood up and bowed, and suddenly it seemed like the door was really far away. But on the way out I thought, Well, that didn’t go too badly really. I mean, I gave a complete answer and even my grammar was pretty good. Plus the nice man in the middle thanked me a lot and bowed in return. Such an excellent country, and the people are awfully kind, really. I’m pretty sure I got the job.
Your personality would be a bigger hit in Korea I think. Then again, the awkward Japanese response to your vibe is hilarious, so maybe you should stay put (for the blog lulz). Besides, it really is an excellent nation with the most kind and gorgeous hearts.
Matt
February 27, 2012 at 6:54 am
Yeah, I know, huh. I spent almost a decade getting my Japanese good enough to really understand people and then realized, Hmmm, I can only use this language in one place. Kind of the opposite of Japanese people who learn English. Once they do, it opens the whole world for them. But oh well, too late now. Guess I should have thought about that before I started on this magical journey.
Ken Seeroi
February 27, 2012 at 10:10 am
Well I learned the hard way to lie in interviews. After losing out on a job at a large company,because I was honest, I did some after interview research. I found out that these days when you face a “hiring”panel they have a set of questions thought up by some Nancys in the HR field that are used to winnow out applicants. The people on the panel are supposed to represent various departments in the company, often they are just people the departments figure they can spare for a winnow out board. You don’t get to the real interview(s) until you get past the execution panel. The people on the panel are not doing honest questions so you don’t owe honest answers. “Where do you see yourself in five years from now?” Why firing your useless ass, because I know if you were any use to the company you wouldn’t be on this panel.” That is a wrong answer. The correct answer involves how you hope to be contributing to the success of this wonderful company, and you stare at the crotch of who you figure the stud duck on the panel is and lick your lips and wink.
toadold
February 28, 2012 at 7:52 am
It’s funny and true that often people in companies are selected for committees based upon their availability, not competence. It’s like picking a train because the doors happen to be open, without caring about the destination. Actually, come to think of it, I did that once. It was late at night and I was in a hurry and just ran down the steps and jumped on board this train. Then the doors closed and it seemed like we left the station really fast, until we were going like the speed of the Shinkansen, and I thought, Yeah, this looks bad. Like somehow all the people looked weird too. It turned out to be the express to Saitama, way outside of Tokyo. It was also the last train. I had to take a 50-dollar cab ride back to town. But anyway, yeah, Japanese people don’t seem particularly pleased to hear anything but good things about Japan. Reminds me of the U.S. in that regard, actually.
Ken Seeroi
February 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm
aa, good stuff, ya, thanks for the laugh(and fun insight) you have to stay in Japan -because you like it- but also you’re pretty Japanese now. Though you must know the honesty is usually appreciated by those who you are accepted to be honest with, not in formal situations, ne. But, hey you rocked out with your true self and that gets you somewhere in life.
Vish
February 28, 2012 at 9:45 am
Honestly, there’s nothing like honesty for making a mess of things. So for about three years, my default response in Japanese was to say nothing heavy. I’d just give an answer about as deep as Anpanman. “Japan? Love it. It’s great.” Now tell me how sweet and delicious I am.
But the better my Japanese became, the more I realized the Japanese people around me were expressing their opinions, and sometimes strongly too. Contrary to what I’d read about Japan, after a while, the people here didn’t seem any more polite or deferential than anyone else. They just expressed things differently. And so, since I live here too, I figured I might as well say what I gotta to say. Okay, so maybe an interview wasn’t the place to say it. But they asked! Jeez, I’m an idiot. I knew I shouldn’t have had giant cup of Starbucks right before I went in there.
Ken Seeroi
February 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Good work Ken and awesome on choosing way 3! I would answer it in way 2 and eagerly wait for my job offer letter! I kind of find it funny that they were in shock. It’s like why bother ask the question if you are not expecting a negative response!
In interviews, it feels more like “don’t be yourself” more like “give them the answer they are eagerly waiting for” which is way 1 and 2. Another way I like to think of interviewers is like a date. You get on well with the person, you get the job
Nice post, keep up the interesting posts;)
tanoshimini
February 28, 2012 at 10:20 pm
And for my next trick, I will attempt to literally turn an interview into a date, as I ask out the lady on the other side of the desk . . .
Yeah, my big thing isn’t to be negative or positive, but to show how they’re flip sides of the same coin. Like Japanese people do it too, right? They’re all, “I love America because it’s so free,” but then like, “America is scary because of all the guns.” Well, guess what? They’re the same thing. The two things are related, perhaps not directly, but rather as part of a large, circular system. They impact each other.
Same thing in Japan. Like nobody likes the stress, but everybody enjoys how clean and efficient things are. Hey, you can’t have one without the other. Everybody wants to be the customer, but not the worker. Somehow things have a way of balancing themselves out. Life’s weird like that.
Ken Seeroi
February 29, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I probably would have gotten stumped at eto…. Loved your description of the interviewers’ horror… I bet it would be a fun bit to recreate and put on youtube.
Benjamin Martin
February 29, 2012 at 9:24 am
I was thinking more like the Big Screen. Like maybe a full-length feature film. But yeah, it’s pretty easy to mortify people in this country.
But what I really like best is when you tell a Japanese person that you like Japan, and they say “Thank you.” That always kills me for some reason.
Ken Seeroi
February 29, 2012 at 8:56 pm
So, did you get the job?
Terry
June 27, 2012 at 6:44 am
To everyone’s surprise including my own, yes. Must be my subtle charm and rugged good looks. Either that or there weren’t many applicants. Nah, definitely my good looks and subtlety.
Ken Seeroi
June 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm